i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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