I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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