i just wanna soil my oats bro
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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