did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Randomize
