and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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