Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
