he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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