I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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