we made out on top of his cat.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
