First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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