Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
