She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
