**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
