Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
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