so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
