I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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