Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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