Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
