dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
