So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
