Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
