Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
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