Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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