we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
