Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
