I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
