my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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