last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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