you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
