I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
