Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
