You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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