My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I just sucked dick on a ferry
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
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