you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
