if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Randomize
