mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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