i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
