Girls should come with a carfax report
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Randomize
