if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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