The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
