I CAN MOONWALK!
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Randomize
