all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
