dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
