I think im going to throw up on grandma
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
COCAINE IS GR8
Congratulations! We have a period
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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