It's Friday. Sex?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
