just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
