New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
