I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
