had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
