his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
