My liver just broke up with me...
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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