Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
