just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
