I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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